Seven years ago Jarek and I were just married and living in Xi’an China as exchange students. One evening as we sat studying in our cramped, dusty apartment, we heard a knock at our door. We opened it to see a bright-eyed Chinese girl with beautiful high cheekbones and a contagious smile.

“Hello! My name is Sherry and I need help learning English to pass my exam,” she said nervously. “I was told that the foreigners live here so I’ve been knocking on every door to find you. Where are you from?” Numerous people, from fellow students to strangers on the street, had already approached us about teaching them English, but her bravery astounded me and I invited her in.

I didn’t know it yet, but that moment ignited a friendship that would last forever. By the end of the year, we had visited her hometown, met her family, and explored Xi’an together. When our exchange was over, heavy tears that carried the weight of goodbyes fell down my cheeks. I didn’t know when I’d ever see her again. Yet here I am, seven years later, and I just returned from her hometown where I was honored to be a bridesmaid at her wedding. Life is miraculous.

The rest of this post will unfold the events of the wedding from my American lens. The entire weekend was exhausting, entertaining, and absolutely beautiful.

The Night Before

I arrived in the small town of Ganquan (population: 77,800) at about 8pm the night before the wedding. I was exhausted from a long day of travel and imagined kicking my feet up and spending some time alone in a hotel room. I was thrilled to be traveling sans children for the first time in years. A driver picked up the photographers, makeup artist, and me from the train station and took us all to the hotel. I was a bit anxious about being a foreigner in a small town in post-COVID-19 China as many local governments have instituted tight restrictions and regulations for foreigners, but it turned out okay. I spent over an hour filling out forms that all said the same thing and proved that I was not a current carrier of the virus.

Sherry’s parents greeted me with a warmth I will never forget. Her dad, his face tired from a lifetime of hard work, shook my hand and thanked me for coming. Her mom embraced me and held my hand until it was time to take me to my room. Arm in arm, we walked to my room where she told me to wash my hands while she waited. She sat with me on the bed and kept saying how thankful she was that I had come. She expressed genuine sadness that my boys had not come and insisted that I bring them back to visit her.

“What do they call your mom?” She asked in a Chinese dialect.

“Grandma,” I replied.

“Tell them to come visit me and call me grandma,” she responded excitedly. I could tell she meant every word she said and I was so touched by her kindness. We spoke more of my family, of Sherry, and the details of the wedding. I didn’t understand everything she said, but I could feel her sincerity and care. This was one of my favorite moments of the entire weekend.

After about twenty minutes, it was time to go to a second dinner with the bride and groom. (I wasn’t hungry as I had filled up on many of my favorite dishes in Xi’an while I waited for my train to Ganquan.) I met up with Sherry’s little brother who escorted me to dinner. We went to a private room in a restaurant where both of Sherry’s siblings, all the bridesmaids, groomsmen, and a few other close friends sat around a large table.

Of course, everything was in Mandarin and it brought me back to my days as an exchange student when I tried to keep up with slang, various dialects, and all the things they don’t teach you in the classroom. Thankfully, Sherry asked that everyone use putonghua, or standard mandarin, so that everyone could understand each other.

After a large meal of specialty Ganquan and Yan’an foods, they started the drinking games. I invite all Chinese teachers everywhere to use these games to improve students’ Chinese…minus the alcohol, of course. It was a real challenge! The night wouldn’t be complete without a small performance, so I sang a bit of Adele (a constant crowd favorite here) and called it good. I was mentally and physically worn out.

I made it back to the hotel around midnight and learned that there was no heat in my room. It was below freezing outside and I came from a city where it was still sunny and hot every day! Luckily, there were two beds in my room. I stacked both comforters on one bed and was able to stay warm all night. There wasn’t clean water either, but one of the Sherry’s friends brought me a water bottle without me asking right before I went to sleep. It was only one of the countless acts of service I experienced throughout the weekend.

Red: The Traditional Ceremony

The wedding day started bright and early for me at 5:30am. I packed up my things and drove with Sherry’s brother to their home just a few minutes away. When we pulled up, the men of the family were taping red carpet on the ground for the bride and groom’s grand exit. Inside their home, family members and photographers were running about decorating, getting ready, and filming.

Sherry’s bedroom was decorated the way Americans would imagine a Valentine’s Day room to be decorated: red hearts dangled from the ceiling, red and gold streamers draped across the walls, a red comforter covered the bed, and a giant red heart balloon danced in the corner. Sherry, wrapped in a classy gold silk robe, sat at a vanity near her window. The makeup artist who I met the night before stood behind her, gently twisting her hair in precise loops that kept with the tradition of thousands of brides before her.

Sherry got up to greet me and gave me a bridesmaid’s dress. It wasn’t quite my style… I felt like an oversized school girl playing dress-up with her friends. But the day wasn’t about me so I wore it with confidence. I found a corner of the bathroom and put on my makeup and did my hair. My glittery eyeshadow became the most popular makeup item and soon all the girls of the house, including Sherry’s niece, were showing off their sparkly eyelids. I borrowed the makeup artist’s curling iron and curled my hair–something I clearly hadn’t done in ages thanks to a combination of living in a humid climate, energetic babies, and Covid-19. Chao, who I soon learned was the most hilarious bridesmaid of the group, asked if I would curl her hair, too. It had been even longer since I’d done someone else’s hair, but I was happy to have the opportunity to connect with her in that way.

After all the bridesmaids were ready, it was photoshoot time. The photographer had us strut across the room as if we were models. This oversized school girl felt even more out of place, but I owned it and went along enthusiastically with whatever they asked. I slowly learned that they did not take themselves seriously; everything was about having fun. Xiao, the bridesmaid with the most captivating and genuine smile, pulled out an assortment of hideous paper masks. I wasn’t up to date on Chinese meme culture, so I didn’t understand where the faces came from, but they were ugly and hilarious. We each chose one and shouted from behind the masks, “我是谁?!” (I don’t have this photo yet, but I will share it when I get it!)

All of a sudden we could hear loud male voices coming from the hallway. A family member quickly shut and locked the front door. The groom and groomsmen proceeded to bang on the door and demand to be let into the house. The ceremony had begun.

I went with the bridesmaids to prepare silly games for the bride and groom to play. Xiao pulled out a bunch of red envelopes and instructed me on how to play the game. I was confused, but could take pretty good guesses about what was happening so I went along with it.

Once Sherry finished her hair and makeup and got in her dress, we all took pictures together. She was glowing! As we took photos, the groom and his boys made it into the house. Family members squished into Sherry’s bedroom and we all scrambled to close the door before the groom could make it to Sherry. Sherry continued on with her photoshoot in her room while the rest of the crowd yelled at each other about coming into the room.

This moment gave me so much more insight into Chinese culture. The best word to describe the situation was renao, meaning ‘bustling with noise and excitement.’ Chinese people often describe big cities this way, and I’ve even heard them use it to describe big families. It has a positive connotation and this wedding gave me insight into their love of all places and things that are renao.

Remember the lens with which I was observing this experience: an American, religious, diplomatic lens. When I got married, things were quiet and intimate among the bride and groom and their families. Yes, there were parties to celebrate, but the actual ceremony was done with reverence in a sacred place.

I would argue that this Chinese wedding was also done in a sacred place: their home. The place where the bride grew up and learned all the things that molded her into the person that her groom fell in love with. Like my American wedding, family members and close friends were there, but instead of expressing their respect for the wedding through stillness, they showed it through noise. Banging on doors, clapping, and shouting. My initial reaction was, “Be quiet! The bride is getting ready for her big moment!” But then I saw her smile and realized this was exactly how it was supposed to be.

Cultural Diplomacy note: These types of situations require us to acknowledge which lens we are using to view the world. Once we recognize how our cultural upbringing is influencing our experience, we can attempt to take off that lens, so to speak, and better understand the people and places around us. This is not easy, but is the key to effective cultural diplomacy.

Once the bride was ready, she gave everyone the nod that meant they could let the boys in the room. Someone unlocked the door, though I’m not sure who because there were so many people shoved in the doorway, and the real struggle began. The two groups fought over opening and closing the door until at last the boys came barreling into the room falling all over each other in a grand entrance.

The groom composed himself somewhat and knelt down on one knee. He put on her sparkly silver shoes as the crowd asked him questions. In answer to one of the questions, he started nervously reciting his favorite things about Sherry. Her beauty, her smile, her kisses, etc.

Once that was over, Sherry motioned for the next game to begin. Xiao pulled out inflatable antlers and one of the groomsmen unashamedly put it on his head. The groom proceeded to toss rings at the antlers… perhaps this is some symbolic version of “putting a ring on it?”

Next, the groomsmen were tasked with popping balloons against their chests to find money inside. They hugged each other with a balloon sandwiched between themselves until it burst. This game only lasted a minute until all the balloons were gone. It was time for more pictures.

After another photoshoot, we moved into the family room where mom, dad, grandma, and grandpa were seated. Sherry and her husband prostrated themselves toward their elders three times. The groom poured each elder a small glass of wine and they drank. The elders gave them hongbao, red envelopes, in return so show their approval of the union.

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Once again, this was a moment where the rest of the family gathered noisily, some watching intently and taking photos, and others chatting among themselves with no thought of being quiet. And again, the bride and groom were smiling ear to ear, utterly delighted with the renao circumstances of the moment.

Unfortunately, I didn’t see the bride and groom’s grand exit down the red carpet. I was with the bridesmaids gathering our things to make the trek to the hotel. Once we got ourselves together, we made our way to the street where we found eight black SUVs, all numbered, waiting for the wedding party. We climbed in and drove to the hotel. The traditional ceremony was over.

White: The Western Ceremony

I rode in the Bridesmaid’s car (the party car) and we had a blast getting to know each other and the driver. Upon finding out that I studied vocal performance, they asked if I’d give them a voice lesson. I did my best to do the lesson in Chinese, a new experience for me. They were patient with me and we all laughed together at how silly the exercises seemed, especially after attempting to explain them in Chinese.

After an hour, we made it to the restaurant where most of the party was eating breakfast. But because I was performing in the ceremony, I had to skip breakfast and go straight to the venue. I was so hungry. Xiao pulled out a snack from Xi’an and we all shared a bite. It was heavenly.

The western portion of the ceremony was in a large hotel conference room. The walls were giant screens where photos of the bride and groom played on repeat. Beautiful flower arrangements adorned the tables and waiters were making the finishing touches on the food. Once the MC arrived and explained the order of the program, I practiced my song. By that point, most of the wedding party had already arrived after eating their breakfast (so I could have eaten a little bit, after all). My throat was irritated from all the cigarette smoke, so I hid in the bathroom with Xiao while we both drank water and warmed up our voices.

A little later, the bride and groom presented themselves in their western wedding attire. He sported a black tuxedo and she wore a white, strapless dress with a long train. He took his place inside the room while she waited outside of the doors with the bridesmaids. Xiao and I stood in front of her with microphones in hand, ready to sing. After the MC made introductions, the groom stepped onto the long stage that stretched almost the entire length of the room. They played a video on the walls which showed the bride and groom reading letters to each other, describing how they met and the promises they will make to each other.

Finally, it was the bride’s turn to enter. Two waiters opened the large wooden doors and they cued the music.

Oops. It was the wrong song.

Take two? Nope, it still wasn’t right. Third time’s the charm?

Yes. That was the right song. The American pop song, “Way Back Into Love” from the movie Music and Lyrics. Xiao and I sang the opening together as we all walked toward the stage. Once our part was over, Sherry kept walking forward and met the groom on stage. The MC brought them to the front of the room and spoke some more. (I’m not sure exactly what was happening at this point as I was trying to figure out when I would perform and where I should go.)

Both the bride and groom’s parents stood in two lines, women in front and men in back, and slowly walked toward the bride and groom. After meeting up with each other at the back of the stage, each father made a short speech and everyone toasted to the bride and groom. Some people were listening, but most people were just eating and chatting.

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After they finished toasting, the ceremony was finished and I closed the afternoon with my performance of “A Moment Like This,” originally performed by Kelly Clarkson. One of my Chinese friends warned me before the wedding that nobody cares about what’s happening on stage during weddings–they only attend for the food. I couldn’t imagine it when he told me, but he was right! Nobody really paid any attention to the song.

Once my song was over I finally was able to eat some food. The waiters kept bringing out dishes, stacking them carefully on plates that were already on the table. The bride changed into yet another dress (this time it was a shimmery gold dress) and walked around the room with the groom and said thank you and toasted to every table.

At the close of the celebration, everyone waited to get their pictures with the bride and groom. After about an hour of photos, the bride changed into another dress and we all went our hotel rooms to rest until the next portion of the celebration.

After a quick nap, Sherry treated all of the bridesmaids to a massage at a fun parlor. We chatted, ate snacks, and enjoyed getting to know one another better. I loved this time with the other bridesmaids. My neck was a little sore the following day from the deep tissue massage, but it was all worth it.

After the massage, I said goodbye to Sherry. She had more celebrating to do with her family so I wouldn’t be able to see her again. We were so sad to say goodbye to each other (again), but we both knew that we’d see each other again someday.

An After (Birthday) Party

Earlier in the day, Chun, another bridesmaid, told us all that it was her birthday! So instead of going back to the hotel after all the wedding celebrations, she treated Xiao and me to not one, but two birthday dinners!

First, she took us to eat chuanchuan, a local specialty that instantly became my new favorite food. Imagine the delicious spices and aromas of Indian curry and combine that with the variety, fun, and sauces of Sichuan hot pot. That is chuanchuan. I was so sad I had never heard about it before! Chun told us not to eat too much because we’d eat more later, but none of us heeded that warning. It was just too delicious.

Once none of us could eat another bite, we went to Chun’s home where her parents had cooked us all dinner to celebrate her birthday. We all laughed when we walked in and saw the food on the table… hot pot! I stretched a little taller to try to make more room in my stomach.

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It was incredibly touching to watch her with her parents on this special day as it had been years since she had been home on her birthday. The unveiled an adorable cake shaped like a princess and put a princess crown on Chun’s head. She was so sweet and humble as she let them spoil her and show her how much they love her.

They welcomed us with the Chinese generosity and hospitality that I’ve rarely experienced anywhere else in the world. They offered me an extra coat as there was no heat in the house and it was below freezing outside. (It was still up to 90/32 degrees F/C back in Guangzhou and my jacket wasn’t nearly thick enough.) We sat on the couch in the family room for a while and watched badminton competitions while we ate delicious hot pot and cold spicy noodles.

This was the China experience I had been missing for so many years. I was so happy.

The evening came to a close around midnight as I informed them that I had to catch a train early the next morning. They wished me luck and told me to come again if I was ever in the area again. I hope someday I can hold them to their word.

This blog post is already much too long, but the details of this trip are incredibly important to me. It’s difficult to have authentic experiences like this as a diplomat in China, and it’s something I have really missed since being in Guangzhou. There are many challenging aspects of life here, but the people make it all worth it. As we prepare to move and say goodbye to China again, I can’t think of a better way to close this chapter of our lives and remind me why I love this country.